Grace in China, age 12 months.
Grace has been home with us for about 4 years and 7 months, the time has gone fast in many ways. It hasn't always been sunshine and roses. She has come so far in many ways and so have we as her parents. I've thought about this post for a long time and what I wanted to say and how to say it, because I don't want to scare any first time waiting parents. I believe knowledge is important and powerful. What scares ME about these extremely long wait times to a referral are that parents tend to "romanticize" and "idealize" this child that you are waiting for. I encourage waiting Moms and Dads to read as much as they can about adoption issues and developmental delays. Some of it is scary stuff and I remember when we waited for Grace's arrival that I read anything and everything I could get my hands on. The scary stuff like attachment issues and grieving was helpful to me and sometimes hard to relate to. Sometimes I found it overwhelming to read, so I'd take breaks of course. Now I occasionally find blogs or a comment on an adoption board how their adopted child attached almost immediately and there was no grieving period. I hope I don't offend anyone ...but that's just a bunch of bull. And if those people truly believe that, most likely they are in denial. Attachment is a process that takes a very long time and every child is different. We were fortunate with Grace's adoption that the agency we used put a high priority on education about pretty much everything that can and does happen after you are home with your child. We were given the worst case scenarios which might sound negative, but now I'm happy in a way that that's how they handled it. I distinctly remember our SW telling us that on the day we received Grace...that was the happiest day of our (Dan's and my life) and also the saddest of Grace's. At the time I thought her comment was kind of dramatic and mean. In hindsight, it was the honest and brutal truth. Everything that Grace had ever known in her short life of 12 months was taken away and changed forever. I have always kept in mind the losses she has had in her life. Those losses don't define her, but they are a part of who she is.
I call the time period post "gotcha day" or "forever family day" the honeymoon period. And it's a period of time that at least for us probably lasted about a year maybe. Dan and I were absolutely giddy with joy. We couldn't believe this girl and what a wonderful little girl she was. In between the wonderful times were also sad times and grieving times for Grace. She had sleep issues intermittently that would wax and wane. Some night terrors, and phases where she would wake up frequently at night. We tried co-sleeping...she would have nothing of that business. So what worked for us was that she slept in her crib in her room and sometimes I slept on the floor. I was up a lot with her rocking her, holding her and consoling her. If I had a blog at that time it would have been pretty wild to read through my chronic sleep deprived state...as it was I called some of my friends the wrong name a few times, had some short term memory issues and was tired a lot. What helped me tremendously was my little group of travel group moms that became my support group, don't know what I'd do without Michelle, Kris and Stephanie. We all helped each other and shared our own stories about what was happening with our children now that we were home, helped problem solve and just listened. And that's what I did, if something didn't seem to work, I'd try something else and find something that would. Grace was screened at age 18 months through the state just to see where she was developmentally and she was right where she was supposed to be. She didn't speak much at all. She babbled and made noises, but very little that we could understand. We had taught her some sign language and that helped but her expressive speech was pretty much nil. It didn't concern me that much because Nick spoke very early and well and I knew that all kids were different. What Grace excelled at was gross and fine motor skills (and that continues today).
The 2's were difficult for Grace, she threw many heavy duty temper tantrums, more like rages that would last anywhere from half an hour to 50 minutes, many times 3 and 4 times a day. In between those times she was a happy girl, I could tell her speech was delayed and that wasn't helping much with her communication with us. She would get frustrated very easily and so was I. I had her re-screened through the state's birth to 3 program and fortunately she qualified! I remember being very relieved. Grace started Speech and Occupational Therapy at age 2 and 4 mos. She had some mild sensory integration issues which I had sensed myself for a while. Grace was what I called "a hopper," and "a hanger." When she was tired or upset or even bored, she'd hop up and down a fair amount and sometimes hang off the kitchen counter, later on I found out she was trying to get vestibular and proprioceptive input (parts of your brain that control balance and movement), because that was something that was lacking in her brain development. Grace lived in her orphanage for the first 12 months of life. Her sensory issues are pretty much completely resolved, they appear now and then rarely and usually if she's tired or overwhelmed by a new situation. We've been taught by her OT techniques how to deal with them. As for Speech, Grace has come so far in the last 3 years...she has gone from her speech being around 25% intelligibility to now about 98-99%. She has been in a traditional preschool for 2 years, and I waited a year for her to start Kindergarten in the Fall. Her birthday is in August. At her last IEP for speech, she is ready to graduate from the program, but they will continue minimal speech services to start her out in Kindergarten next year. Grace is now a happy, securely attached little girl, her pragmatic speech and articulation has come so far, she loves her school and is starting to read. My advice after telling this long story, is to be patient, don't give up and ...please, please, please get your children screened after you are home with them. If you are not happy with the results, go somewhere else and get the answers and help you need. Unfortunately I know many folks who haven't done this and their kids need some help. We all are guides, teachers and mentors for our children and we want them to be the best people in this life that they can be. I always keep in mind when I see my daughter and how happy she is because she has come so far and hopefully will continue to... :)
Edited to say: When you meet me in real life, I don't sugar coat things. I believe and know we are here to help one another as best as we all can. I continue to learn so much from Grace and about myself on this journey. :)
